Let Go, Let God

     Pneumonia ain't no joke. It's especially brutal when you have ALS and can't cough worth a damn. I spent a week in the hospital being poked and prodded, tubes down my throat sucking out flem and having doctors in and out of my room talking about "what if's?" They asked about a tracheostomy, which I am opposed to. It's a hot topic with ALS patients right now, but for me my future in heaven greatly outweighs being completely trapped in my body. Michelle signed many Do-Not-Resuscitate forms before my Bronchoscopy procedures. And I had to lay in a bed for 8 days being told when I could eat and drink with no shower in sight. It was the scariest time of my life. I thought it was going to be the end, but I poured all of my hope and trust into God and he made it clear I'm not done yet, but even if I was I would be ok with it.
     I am now back home with Michelle and Wrigley, the IV's removed from my arms, my ability to breathe working its way back, with the help of numerous machines.  I watch the trees wave in the wind, listen to the rain, sleep next to my beautiful wife, I feel like a person again. The mind fuck that I face is that of course I'm happy to be home and feeling better, yet how great can I feel when I still have a terminal illness with no cure. Being in the hospital for a week really zapped the small bit of strength I had left. I'm having trouble driving my wheelchair, my neck feels weaker and now I have even more nurses stopping in to make sure I'm maintaining some sense of  "normalcy."
     It's hard not to burst into tears when I think about my future. However, when I start thinking dark thoughts I dive into God's word where He promises pain and sickness is not permanent and that He will never abandon me no matter how miserable the experience may become. I don't know when my last day will be but I do know for sure that when that day comes I will be consumed with Grace and made anew. On that day I will conquer ALS.