Letting Go

       Public Service Announcement: This blog will make you cry, laugh, gag, reflect, and hopefully leave you feeling closer to our Lord Almighty. I've had some rough weeks here and there. I've been trying to figure out medication, how long I should be on my bi-pap, all the while trying to get excited about a liquid diet. This has been tiring as hell. I spent all day Saturday in bed and just wrapped up another all-day shift yesterday. In the midst of this cluster fuck I became extremely constipated and couldn't pee either. Hospice nurses to the rescue! Oh, wait, you have to do what?!? Hell naw I thought in my head but I had to let go and let the pros do their jobs. I needed a suppository and a temporary catheter. Those are two items that go the wrong way on one way streets. A suppository feels like a thumb tac on your booty rim and a catheter felt like a silly straw forging it's way down my golden street. It fucking sucked, I hated it, but it would have been a disaster had I not let go.
     As many of my readers know, I am the oldest sibling in my family, the big brother. I'm six years older than Kurt and four years older than Eliza. Not only am I the Big Brother to Eliza and Kurt I have many younger friends who look to me as their Big Brother. A friend of mine once said that wherever I go I cast nets on those that need help, reel them in and see if there's anything I can do for them. It could be a soccer mom, an elderly dude, a young adult with disabilities, the scary gang banger on the L, or the beautiful damsel in distress. I could talk to anyone and connect with them. Many of these nets I quickly let slip away, but dozens of these nets I kept an eye on over the years and regardless of their age I consider them my younger siblings, or at least someone I have to protect. This large extended family I've built makes it very difficult to be okay with letting go of this world. Not to sound conceeded, but I think about what my little sister will do without me. What will my fantasy football league do? What will my teachers do without my advice?

The answer is they will be fine. 

      People die. We're all going to come to the same fate. Whenever I die, I'm going to be showered with love. I know so many awesome people that I can only imagine what the Celebration of Life will look like. Many folks aren't so lucky. Either they haven't found Christ and accepted Him as his Savior or they don't have have a support system around them and are incredibly lonely. I'm generalizing, but it brings me back to the importance of solidifying that relationship with the Lord. It's easy to stray from His path when things go wrong. Job in the Bible lost everything. His land burned to the ground, his wife and children died, and still he kept his faith. Paul traveled the globe proclaiming God's Grace while he watched his friends be murdered and while he got his ass kicked. 

      "Many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."(Proverbs 19:21) I've got plans galore. I've always been the dude to create social plans for our group. Where we're going, making the reservation, making sure everyone has a ride, making sure that asshole won't be there. However, I've retired from the planning game, I've let go. The Lord has a purpose for me, that purpose might be here on Earth in the next few months, or it might be in Heaven. Either way this Big Brother has let go.   

Zzzzzzz

     I have found myself sleeping a great deal more lately and I haven't been able to put my finger on just why that is. Rather than do research and freak myself out I reached out to my homies around the country who have ALS and asked them what their sleep schedule looks like. One dude is apparently Superman because he goes to bed late and gets up early. If I did this my poor caregiver would be mobbed by obscenities. Another buddy was completely different. He said he goes to bed when he feels like it and might not even get out of bed the next day until dinner. Mind you, these dudes are similar to me, relying solely on their caregivers for essentially everything.
     The last week or so I'm ready for bed at 7pm. It's definitely disheartening because the sun is still out and I know beautiful evening weather is just around the corner. Once in bed I rarely pass right out. My body stretches out fully, pressure points change, and I put on my space mask (aka my bi-pap). Once my space mask is on I usually get my cuddle on with the wifey, either watching How I Met Your Mother, Teen Mom, or MTV's: The Challenge, all awesome shows so don't bother hating. Once Michelle calls it quits we set up something for me to watch that will stream without needing to touch any buttons on my phone and will eventually time out around midnight when I fall asleep. Now in the morning, I'm typically awake by 9:30, so I clock about nine hours of sleep but sixteen hours of wearing my space mask that gives my lungs a break and chance to recuperate. Then, depending on the day, Emily or Michelle give me morning meds in bed, followed by leg and arm stretching leaving me in bed streaming something again for at least another 90 minutes.
      As I read that back that's a hell of a long time in bed. I wish my body didn't need that kind of recovery time. However, the moment I pity myself I think about the thousands of people with ALS who are confined to their beds all day, or who don't have a wheelchair equipped like a James Bond car to get around in. That's when I talk to God and ask him,  "how I can make an impact today?" As I've stated before in this blog, by the Grace of God I will use my wakeful hours to advocate for others with ALS and the less fortunate, I will raise money for a cure, even if I don't get to reap it's benefits, and most importantly I will spread love and joy through God's word, loudly and tenderly right before I close my eyes.